Hellogoodbye...

Never have I felt more juvenile than the moment I realized I was going to be a mom.  Yeah I was 26 but might as well have been 16.  I was engulfed by fear and felt completely unprepared.  So much fear that I went into a small depression.  Depression consisted of me sleeping, which to be fair is quite easy during the first trimester.  I spent my summer comatose with days and nights of Netflix watching me.   I had such a hard time wrapping my head around this new idea of myself.  While I had no doubt in my ability to be a good mom, I definitely doubted the timing.  I didn't want to announce it on IG or share the news of Facebook, I wanted to keep this to myself.  I needed to process this on my own before I allowed any outside ideas to penetrate my adjusting identity. 

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I've had a very easy pregnancy, no nausea, no food aversion, and an incredible amount of support.  But now I realize that those first few months of pregnancy I was in mourning.  I felt I was saying goodbye to all the things that until now had defined me.  My go with the flow not a care in the world wild spirit woman was to no longer exist and I was going to have to reinvent myself as the “selfless minivan mom.”  I begin to box in the idea of motherhood so much so that it crippled me with anxiety.  Didn't help that every mom I saw online seemed to be experiencing picture perfect transitions.  In turn felt guilty and then angry.  Motherhood is scary.  You are literally adding to humanity, talk about pressure. 

When you’re not the only person you think about, you suddenly grow 10 years in a good way
— Jemima Kirke

The truth is that so far it has been a very uplifting experience for me.  (once i got over the initial shock).  I have been forced to be more selfish with my time and energy in a way that is liberating.  My self care game is on a level I never thought I would reach, I'm talking daily face routines and meal planning, the works.  All because I am no longer just caring for myself.  I know that I can and will be just fine being regular degular go with the flow fran, but I am responsible for someone else now.  I choose to start my day with intention rather than my old "devil may care attitude."  

At first it seemed as if I was mourning the loss of an old friend, I now see that this is just an extension of me, an upgrade and I'm so freaking excited for whats to come. 

This is me, wild, crazy, sexy and soon to be mommy.  Whatever that means.

franchely parra2 Comments